it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
