Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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