my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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