i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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