I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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