i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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