i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
