Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
