All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
