There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
