Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
