either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
