Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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