Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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