I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
