I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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