Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
