So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
