Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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