i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
