I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
