Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I feel like abortions should bother me more
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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