I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
two words: eviction party
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Is Oprah even human
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