his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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