I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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