he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
