Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
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