Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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