It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
