Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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