something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
