also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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