im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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