I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
