eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
no. you can't hotbox the world.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I think your dad took our porno
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
