So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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