is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
