you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
