A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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