Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Just invented taco cereal.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
