You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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