Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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