NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Randomize
