you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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