Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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