I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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