We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
