I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
