Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
