I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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